Saturday, August 16, 2014

Musical journey (49)

I am pleased to announce that I am a proud holder of the Papua New Guinea work visa! Props to myself for enduring the 4-month long application process and I am now a little more than a fortnight away from the day I fly. Seeing that I must sync my work cycle with my counterpart, they could either put me on a 6-week on/6-week off or a 2-week on/2-week off first rotation (followed by the normal 4-on/4-off for the rest of my stint). Fortunately they agree with me that doing 12-hour days for 42 days straight might be a little much for a first rotation especially when I have not been on that site or lived in that remote camp before.

So for my first rotation, I will only be working 2 weeks and then I will have a 2-week paid vacation (my colleagues are so envious of me right now)! Since it is only going to be a relatively-short break, I think I will just be spending time with my boo at home (finishing an Xbox 360 game that I always wanted to play in the process) and maybe squeeze in a weekend getaway to the hot springs in Mornington (I know Ision has been dying to go). I am so looking forward to leaving the wretched project that I am doing right now at work and embarking on this whole new adventure!

OK, life update over and now on to this month's musical offering, which is a composition documenting how one tortures himself in his pursuit of love. There is a variety of ways a person can knowingly (or otherwise) fall into this pattern of self-harm and these are just ten examples that quickly come to mind:


1) Having a crush on someone who has no feelings for you and expecting the love to be requited someday.

2) Forgiving someone repeatedly for cheating on you because you feel that you can't find someone better.

3) Hiding the pain of loneliness by telling others that you are perfectly fine being alone.

4) Finding excuses for not being able to settle down yet loathing your superficial promiscuous lifestyle.

5) Being in a loveless marriage for the sake of kids.

6) Diving into a relationship too fast not knowing what you want exactly.

7) Convincing yourself as a heterosexual that your gay partner will successfully change (or already has).

8) Failing to realise that you are to blame for always being dumped (or being chronically-single).

9) Claiming that you are in a monogamous relationship but constantly sleeping around with other people.

10) Hating someone who broke your heart and not being able to move on or trust another person again.


Some might disagree with item 9 being a form of self-torture but if you believe in karma, what you do to hurt others will come back eventually to damage you in some way. Although there are many forms this unhealthy behaviour can take, the common thing is that you made the conscious choice to engage in such acts. In my opinion only when you admit that to yourself can the healing process begin, much like in AA groups where every one introduces themselves with "Hi, I am XXX and I am an alcoholic".

And with this concept of self-harm in the search of love, I wrote this song. The story in the piece is not a personal one but I can relate to it all too well—I used to purposely make myself feel worse when I was alone or heartbroken by being around happy couples. I believed back then that even if I had nothing, I still had the ability to feel pain. This is a classic manifestation of self-torture and we should snap out of it as soon as possible—that is only if we are made aware of it and I hope this month's musical journey can play a little part in making the self-awareness process easier.



[自虐]

词 / 曲 : 锦泉
 

这世上有一些人不应该去爱
偏偏厄运我挡不来
染上了一身的无奈

不知道爱与恨到底哪个实在
孤注一掷后悔不来
背负一身感情的债

爱情谜底我解不开
答案原来迷失一片恨海
我与时间忙着比赛
看最后谁放弃得比较快

自虐的心态控制不来

流出眼泪才算痛快
我竟然能够置身事外
若命运赐我最坏的安排
没有人能让我责怪
也只好一个人继续把我的肉体出卖

自虐的心态控制不来

我与自己互相伤害
噩梦循环看不见未来
只因没有人能把你取代
有你给的冷漠依赖
你锋利得像一把刀

我却喜欢把你拥入怀



[Self-Torture]

There are certain kinds of people in this world we should not love
But I was unable to avoid bad luck
And got myself knee-deep in helplessness

I don't really know whether love or hate is more real
But I cannot regret now that I placed my bet with everything I have
Now that I am burdened with the debt of heartbreak

I cannot solve the mystery of love
Because the answers are lost in a sea of hate
I am busy competing with time
Because I want to find out who will give up faster

I cannot control the desire to torture myself
I can only feel better when tears actually fall
If my destiny has arranged for the worst
I have no one else to blame
And all I can do is to continue betraying my flesh

I cannot control the desire to torture myself
Me and myself are constantly hurting each other
Nightmares in a vicious cycle blocking the future from my view
Simply because there is no one who can replace you
And there is your cold shoulder to lean on
You are like a blade but still I enjoy holding you tightly in an embrace


2 comments:

Chris said...

Congratulations! Have fun in PNG!

Kim said...

Thanks Chris. I am looking forward to my stint in PNG very much!